Trust What You Read in the Papers
by QueenMegaera
Summary: Tony is not making any new models of the Iron Man suit. He also takes no pleasure in teasing Captain America. Seriously. It's not his fault that the papers keep getting things confused. (Marvel Movieverse. Post-Iron Man III-humor. Tony/Steve. One-shot. Rated T because I'm paranoid, and there's some cursing going on. I'm really just having fun here.)


_**A/N:**_ _So when I'd been to see Iron Man III, this dialogue just planted itself in my brain on the bike ride home. It's just a little piece of fluffy banter, really, but I think it's slightly amusing (if I may say so myself). I am frequently impressed by writers who can tell stories through dialogue alone without confusing their audience, so I developed this idea as an attempt at doing that. Let me know how I did._

_On another note, the Marvel Movieverse seriously needs its own category on this website._

_**Pairings:**__ Tony/Pepper, Tony/Steve, Tony/being Iron Man_

_**Spoilers:**__ SPOILERS FOR IRON MAN III. __LIKE, MAJOR SPOILERS. Also some spoilers for any extremis-story in the comics, I guess._

_**Other warnings:**__ Rambling characters, unrealistically short rebound-times and lots of silliness._

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**Trust What You Read In the Papers**

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Tony held a hand up to the robot approaching him.

"Hey, tin man, listen up! This is a mistake, ok? We're not on duty. We were here to take a coffee and talk about non-saving-the-world-related stuff, alright? Heroes need down time too. So if you could just wait outside for a while... Oh. Ok. I'll take that as a no, shall I? Definitely a no. A big no. Steve? A little bit of rescuing wouldn't be amiss, here."

"What does it look like I'm doing, Stark?"

"Well, it's kind of a blur actually, but it looks like you're giving boxing lessons to a class of robots."

"Yeah. That's pretty much what it feels like, too. Come on!"

Steve grabbed Tony's arm, pulled him into the kitchen area and spun around to block the door behind them.

"That suit of yours would really have come in handy about now."

"I told you, I destroyed all the suits."

"Right. You didn't keep a single one."

"No. I made a promise to Pepper. No more hiding in a shell. I'm a new man."

"I thought you said you were still Iron Man."

A robot-hand-shaped hole appeared in the door.

"Yeah well, figuratively speaking, of course. I was just being poetic. I can be poetic."

"Right."

"I can."

"You built 42 different Iron Man suits ..."

"They weren't all _Iron Man_ suits, per se. See I gave the specialized models different names so that ..."

"... 42 Iron Man suits in just a few years, most of them in less than a year, and you expect me to believe you just quit, cold turkey?"

"They're not cigarettes."

"No. They're part of you."

"No. No, they're a shell. A cocoon."

"Whatever."

"Did you just say 'whatever'?"

"Tony!"

"It's just, I think you just fried my brain, a little. Seriously, don't do that. What are you looking for?"

"A lid."

"You think the lid of a cooking pot is gonna be good stand-in for you shield? Really?"

"I don't see any vibranium lying around, do you?"

The robot was halfway through the door.

"Didn't you say you'd found a way to call on your suit wherever you are?"

"No suit, remember? I told you, sweetheart, it's over. Caput. Finito."

"Don't ever call me sweetheart. And even if I believed you ..."

"And also I've scrapped that system."

"See, that's what I ..."

A window crashed behind them. Then the door. Then a wall.

"Well, it's been nice knowing you, Stark. Occasionally, anyway."

"Yeah. Ok. At this point I feel I should I tell you that there is a suit. But you have to swear on your parents' graves not to tell Pepper, alright? This is kind of a sensitive issue with her."

"Tony, I'm sure Pepper never for a moment believed you'd give up the suit forever, and I'm sure she'll forgive you when she goes to identify your body tonight."

"No, I mean, you really can't tell her. I've not just been tinkering with the suit. You have to swear not to tell her, she'd go berserk."

"I ... what are you doing?"

"Stripping."

"Yeah, I ... I can tell. Why are you... ?"

"The suit doesn't work optimally with too many layers anymore. Relax Captain Red-face, I'm keeping the skivvies. They're silk, I like the feeling."

"Thanks for the information."

"You're welcome. Nice punch."

"Thanks. Think you can take care of that one?"

"In my skivvies? No, wait, here comes my backup."

"What do you ... Tony, what's wrong? What's happening to you?"

"I told you. I tinkered."

"Holy shit."

"Careful, Capsicle. That's a four-letter-word."

"What did you _do_?"

"I modified the extremis project."

"You _rewrote your DNA_?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Have you seen the wiring inside these tin cans? That's a piece of work. I'd guess Taiwanese, but they've gotten better than this."

"We were talking about _your_ wiring ..."

"You guys need help?"

"Hello Nat! Nice to see you!"

"And you, Stark. Glad to see you weren't serious about leaving the suit. What took you so long in here?"

"We were busy. I had to give Capsicle a private strip show."

"Right."

"What? He'll tell you I'm telling the truth. Right, sweetheart?"

"Watch it, Stark."

"You're not going to punch me."

The last wall broke down and a robot flew head on into Tony's midsection and knocked him to the floor.

"Ok – ow."

"I did warn you."

"Yeah. You did. Hey, are those people filming us?"

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The next day

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Pepper slammed down the newspaper in front of Tony.

"You know, honey, that's not what I said ..."

She raised her eyebrows and turned on an audio clip on her pad.

"Okay, so that's what I said, but it was a joke. Come on, I joke with Steve all the time, you know that!"

"I do know that, Tony, but the papers don't. Because apparently, your jokes with Steve are easier for the human eye to detect than your relationship with me."

"Strictly speaking, the _eye _can't detect either ... but that wasn't what you meant, I know. I'm shutting up now."

"I didn't show you the paper to show you the quote, Tony. I showed you the paper because I thought maybe you'd have something to say about the picture. The one where there's _blue light under your skin_."

"Oh. Right. That."

"That better not be what I think it is. Tell me it's not what I think it is, Tony."

"It's not what you think it is."

"It's not a modified version of the extremis that's somehow connected to the suit which you told me you weren't building?"

"Ok. It is what you think it is."

"_Tony!_"

"Pepper, honey, look ..."

"No! You look! That stuff almost killed me!"

"Are you going to start crying? Or strangle me? Because sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference."

"It almost killed you, too, Tony!"

"Yeah, but then you used it to_ save _me, so really ... really not your point this time either."

"No. No, it really isn't!"

Someone cleared their throat.

"Ehrm. I'm sorry. I came at a bad time. I can leave ..."

"No, that's ok, Steve. Tony and I were done here. Could you take my bags?"

"Oh. Okay. I can do that."

"No, don't take her bags! Pepp, you can't leave."

"Yes I can, Tony. Watch me, you'll see how I leave. There's a taxi outside, Steve, you can put them in the back."

"No, don't ... Oh, come on!"

"See, Tony? There are men who say that they'll do something, and follow it up by_ actually doing it_. The Waldorf Astoria, please. Stark Industries are paying."

"He's _carrying bags_, I was ... Pepper! _Pepper_!"

"She's gone, Tony."

"Thanks, buddy. That knife in my back was just what I needed to make this day better."

"Do you think I could have stopped her?"

"I doubt it."

"Then what does it matter that I carried her bags?"

"Bros before hoes, man!"

"Pardon? Did you just call Pepper ... what I think you just called her?"

"It's an expression, Mr General Audiences."

"She'll come back. Trying to make her stay by using force would only have made it worse."

"Yeah, thanks Doctor Phil."

"You know I don't understand half of your references, don't you?"

"Just half?"

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5 days later

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"So, I saw the papers last week."

"The Black Widow reads gossip columns? Really?"

"They occasionally contain some interesting reading."

"I know, right? I mean, I give them one little line about stripping and suddenly the whole country knows I'm having hot, steamy sex with Captain America. Obviously, that's what ended my relationship with Pepper. She just couldn't handle the competition. Wait."

"Wait what?"

"That woman who just got up from that table, was that what's-her-face, from The Daily Bugle?"

"I think you've just outdone yourself, Stark."

"I try to make a daily habit of it. Have to make sure our favorite assassin has something interesting to read, after all."

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2 days later

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"Hi Cap."

"Stark."

"Wow. You're really handing it to that punching bag. You're not pretending it's me, I hope? I mean, I understand if you are, no hard feelings, totally justified. I'll just, you know, stay out of your way for a while longer, and ..."

"Tony! It's alright! I know you don't believe I'm capable of it, but I do actually understand your humor. Better than the press does, apparently."

"Really? You didn't laugh."

"I said I understand it. Not that I found it hilarious."

"Right. So, it doesn't bother you that because of my humor, the whole world now seems to think that we, you know ..."

"Well, for the first time I'm slightly relieved that I was frozen down long enough that I don't have any living relatives who can read about my supposed affair with Howard Stark's _son_, but other than that ... I only care about what people I respect think about me. Journalists aren't very high on that list."

"Good. And, you know, if we _were_ doing that, I'd be the one getting the best end of the bargain, obviously."

"Obviously."

"Hey!"

"What? You said it."

"And you're supposed to tell me I'm wrong, not give me that smug little smirk. You think there'd be nothing in it for you? I'll have you know I'm universally acclaimed as an amazing lover."

"I'm sure."

"The ladies can't get enough of me. Or the men, actually."

"The ...? You ... You've actually... ?"

"I think you'll find there are very few things I haven't done, Stevie-boy. Especially in the bedroom."

"Ehrm ..."

"Are you blushing?"

"No."

"I think you should cut that punching bag some slack. Really, Cap. It's gonna fall down."

"I'll get another one."

"You want me to tell you about my conquests? I bet pulling techniques have changed a bit since your day."

"I think I'll be fine without the lesson, thanks."

"Yes, that's true. Why waste time on learning the game when you can just flex your muscles and smile and have them crawling all over you? Even that 'blushing virgin'-look works in your favour. And hey, look, he can get even redder! Who'd have thought?"

"Shut up."

"Come on, it'll be educational. I could tell you about this guy I met in Italy when I was a guest lecturer fifteen years ago."

"I'd rather you didn't."

"He could do the most amazing things with his tongue. In the most outrageous places ."

"_Tony!_"

"Hey, don't forget to breathe."

"I don't want to hear about your ... your boyfriends, Tony."

"I'm sorry, are my flexible sexual preferences making you uncomfortable?"

"Your _telling me_ about your sexual preferences is making me uncomfortable."

"Why? Are you jealous?"

"Of the Italian guy?"

"I meant of me and my sexual prowess, but if you're jealous of the Italian guy ..."

"I'm not. I'm not ... I'm really not."

"I heard you the first time, soldier."

"Good."

"Though really, you should be."

"Can we end this discussion now, please?"

"Sure."

"Thank you."

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7 days and several rounds of banter later

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"Ah, Steve Rogers is back in the Stark tower! Want a beer to celebrate a job well done?"

"Should you be drinking that?"

"It's a beer, Capsicle. Not a bottle of vodka."

"If you say so."

"I do. Now, do you want one or not?"

"Sure, why not."

"So, how long do you think our honeymoon will be?"

"Pardon?"

"Don't choke on your beer, soldier. How long do you think we'll have to kick back and relax before that weirdo is back on the streets again?"

"What do you mean? He's going to jail."

"Yeah, right. Did you hear him shouting the name of his lawyer? He'll never get convicted. No one's going to take a guy who dresses up in a costume like that as a serious threat. I mean really, who does he think he is? And what are you smiling at?"

"Nothing."

"Tell you who you could easily take off the street though: that girl in the diner, the one you saved. You could have batted your eyelashes at her and she would have agreed to have your babies."

"Tony! Really, I ... I don't think so."

"What, not you type? Come on, you thought she was hot. You started stuttering and everything."

"She _was _really pretty."

"See? You have to learn to seize the moment, soldier. You sure you don't want me to help you out, give you some pointers ... ? "

"Not this again. I've told you over and over, Tony ..."

"I have a hundred of examples you could learn from. There was this girl I met at ..."

"Is it really so much fun to get under my skin?"

"I'm trying to educate you, Cap. This girl, body like a playboy model, could glare better than any teacher-fantasy you've ever had. She swore she'd never sleep with me. Forty eight hours later ... mmmphf!"

"I don't want to hear it."

"Huh. Okay. That's an interesting way of making me shut up. So I guess you _really_ don't want to hear about my conquests? Because I've got this really great story about a girl in ... mmphf."

"Shut up."

"While talking makes you do _that_? Not a chance."

"I'll do more than that if you shut up."

"I ... I like the sound of that, actually."

Someone cleared their throat.

"I'm sorry, I'll just ..."

"Yes, please go!"

"Don't listen to him, miss. What was it?"

"I, ehr, well, Fury wanted to know if you want to make a press statement declining the recent rumors in the press. I ... I guess that's a 'no'?"

"What do you say, sweetheart, you want to publicly deny our everlasting love?"

"Let's just leave it alone. And how many times am I going to have to ask you not to call me that?"

"A thousand times over, sugarpie."

"And _definitely_ not that."

"Aw, what's the ..."

"It must feel unusual having that shrapnel out of your chest, Stark; you want it replaced?"

"Got it."

"Good."

"I'll stick with 'sweetheart', sweetheart."

"I'll just tell Fury you didn't want to comment and leave you two alone, shall I?"

"Yes, please."

"Tell Captain Cyclops that he can't make us deny our love to the world!"

"Don't listen to him, he's ...! He's crazy."

"She left, Cap."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Anyway, you were saying?"


End file.
